The Art of Creative Conflict Resolution

Conflict is a lethal force that undermines our lives in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it erupts openly and other times it camouflages itself and covertly undermines relationships. Some feel it is necessary in order to get what they want out of a situation. Others feel it is always necessary to fight for what is important to them. These individuals feel they have a right to express anger, that it provides them a sense of strength and power. However, the sense of strength that anger provides is false and temporary. When it passes, the individual often feels weaker and more confused than before. When we think only of our own welfare in a situation, our ability to see the large picture is diminished and our responses are partial and faulty.

It’s time to look at conflict in a new way and understand what it really is. Then we can take new steps that lead to creative holistic, solutions, where all are the beneficiaries. Every time conflict is resolved for the good of all, real growth and integration become available.

Step 1: Realize that conflict is a choice you make

Conflict is not a form of power, strength, or control. It is a toxin, which creates confusion, narrowed focus, and defensiveness. When conflict arises, stop, breathe deeply, and immediately look at the larger perspective. Put the incident in context. For a moment, allow the other person to be “right”. Tell yourself you have plenty of time to be right later. Your main goal is to have the conflict subside so you can be see what is best for all.

Step 2: Pinpoint the 24 forms of anger

Anger camouflages itself and manifests in many ways. Unrecognized anger turns into all kinds of unwanted behavior that become impossible to stop. We have to become aware that this behavior is just another form of anger and pull it out at the root.

Some of the 24 forms of anger are: depression, hypocrisy, self-sabotage, low self-esteem, burnout, passive aggressive behavior, compulsions, perfectionism, gossiping, lying, and various addictions. When we realize that these behaviors are being fuelled by anger, it is easier to take appropriate steps to handle them.

Step 3: Give Up Being A Martyr – Stop Giving and Taking Guilt

Most martyrs do not think of themselves as martyrs. They may describe themselves as long-suffering, giving much more than they get. There’s a huge difference between giving and manipulation. Martyrs manipulate with guilt. But guilt is a lethal toxi. When we make someone feel guilty, we are harming them. When people feel guilty they find some way to punish themselves and others.

Give up giving guilt and also give up taking it. Recognize this as toxic behavior, which has no constructive outcome.

Step 4: Stop Casting Blame

Blaming others (and ourselves) is an expression of hurt, disappointment and helplessness and never leads to a constructive solution. Stop casting blame. By blaming others you are disempowering yourself. By taking responsibility you are taking back control. Stop a moment and see the situation through your opponent’s eyes. When you do this blame dissolves on the spot.

The best defense against being hurt is to feel good about yourself, to remember that the way a person responds to you says more about them, than about you. As you stop casting blame you will be letting go of all kinds of resentments. Resentment inevitably affects our well-being and constricts our lives. Look for and find what is positive in each individual and situation. Focus on that.

Step 5 - Create Realistic Expectations

There is nothing that makes us more angry and hurt than expectations we’ve been holding onto that have not been met. It is important to become aware of our expectations. Are they realistic? Does the other person hold similar expectations in the relationship? Once we let go of unrealistic fantasies, clarity about what to do in present time is greatly increased. As this happens, spontaneous, healing solutions become available on the spot.

Step 6 – Develop An Attitude of Gratitude

See what the person you are in conflict with has given to you. We often take many things for granted and are even unaware of all that we are receiving day by day. Take time to make a list of all that you received from this person, and may even be receiving today. Take time to feel grateful. Make a point of giving thanks. Acknowledging the benefits you have received from your adversary, will not weaken you, it will strengthen the entire relationship, and ease the process of making peace.

In this vein, it is also very helpful to write down all you have given to that person as well. Conflict can often be unconsciously escalated by guilt a party feels. We often think we are giving so much and receiving so little. This is a great cause of anger and feelings of deprivation. However, when we take time daily to look carefully, we are often surprised and how much we have received and how little given in return. As we see how much we receive daily, anger naturally subsides. If each person feels satisfied with what they have given, self respect increases, and they can then more easily assess what is suitable for all.

THE ANGER DIET

A Thirty-Day Program
to Stress-Free Living
by Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D.

Publisher: Andrews McMeel

Pub Date: September 2005

Format: Trade Paperback

Brief Description

Critically acclaimed author and nationally recognized psychologist Dr. Brenda Shoshanna (Zen and the Art of Falling in Love) offers a new book for the most important diet of all: the diet from anger. Road rage, school shootings, domestic violence, unhappy relationships, teenage rebellion—at the core of all of these lies anger. Dr. Shoshanna shows us the 24 forms of anger, and for the first time offers a unique 30 day program to rid anger from our lives forever, one day at a time. Filled with practical advice, anecdotes and exercises.he first book to offer a practical, 30 day program to rid anger from your life forever.

Reviews

Spirituality & Health. . .

"In this well-organized and thoroughly practical paperback, Dr. Shoshanna examines the widespread problem of anger. This emotion is a serious problem for one in every five Americans and it can result in serious social manifestations such as road rage, workplace violence, school shootings, domestic abuse and addiction. In her thirty day program, Shoshanna outlines and deals with 24 different forms of anger that can be replaced with healthy and constructive responses. The goal here is to eliminate toxicity from our systems that result from being in the grip of this volatile emotion. The exercises and tips in each chapter are supplemented by a "Review and Repair" chapter following every five days which puts things in perspective. Ultimately, Shoshanna sees this anger diet as a way of making it possible for love and forgiveness to reign in our lives. The author has done us all a service by delineating the various types of anger that spell out our days and diminish our lives.

visit the official site: http://www.theangerdiet.com/

To name just a few, there is the straightforward kind of anger that comes over us and can lead to beatings, accidents and even murder. Then there are the forms of anger that we turn against ourselves such as depression, withdrawal, hopelessness, suicide and suicidal thoughts, self-sabotage, and catastrophic expectations. In the latter, we set ourselves up for failure by seeking problems and dwelling upon the terrible things that might happen to us. Shoshanna states that these expectations "arise from a loss of faith in oneself, from not being in touch with one's natural ability to handle situations as they arise." Some of the other guises of anger covered here are insults and gossip, judging others, playing the martyr, and revenge. Shoshanna has some insightful things to say about anger in the family, in the workplace, at God and at destiny. The Anger Diet is a resource that can change the way you view yourself and others. It will enable you to assess the role of this emotion in your life and help you to give up grudges, blaming others and playing the victim."

--Spirituality & Health

Anger-free diet
Detroit News, Wednesday, December 21, 2005. . .

We all could all learn to become a little less angry. Brenda Shoshanna says people need to go on an anger diet just as they diet to lose weight. She suggests taking these steps. Here are three days of her diet:

Day 1: Give up a grudge. Make a list of people you hold grudges against. Write down what each person did to you and how long you've held the grudges. Then write down one thing you liked about each person you have a grudge against. Go over the reasons you developed the grudges and write down one time you behaved that way and what your reason was. Ask yourself what you need to let go of the grudge. Let go of one grudge a day.

Day 2: Judge everyone favorably. Become aware of what you think about people and how you judge people. Are you looking over what they are wearing? How they are standing? Find something positive about that person. Tell the person what you find positive about him or her. Take time to allow this to sink in. Judge yourself favorably as well. Keep a book of praise with things you appreciate, like or feel good about.

Day 3: Don't gossip about anyone. This may seem impossible at first, but tell yourself it's only for a day. Even when you are tempted to say something negative about a person, don't. Try to find meaningful and interesting things to talk about. Don't listen to gossip. Refuse to be insulted. Don't answer back to an insult. Say nothing and breathe deeply. So much harm is created by lashing back.
Source: Brenda Shoshanna and "The Anger Diet: 30 Days to Stress-Free Living," (Andrews McMeel Publishing, $14.95).

Ronya White often holds onto anger, nourishing it with each slight.

"I think I get upset the most when I feel as if my feelings don't matter," says the 25-year-old hair stylist.

That's why if the service isn't great in a restaurant, she abruptly walks out. If a boutique's employees fail to greet her as she arrives, she angrily struts from the premises.

It may not be until several irritations later -- when some unsuspecting person does something minor -- that White erupts, shouting, maybe including an expletive or two.

"I don't handle anger too well," she admits. "When I blow, it's ugly."

Anger is easily detected when it tumbles out like White's outbursts or in the form of a middle finger pointed upward. We can even laugh at anger when it shows up as Detroit Lions fans dressed in the opposing team's colors. Anyone can recognize it at the mall where crazed shoppers trample one another. But Brenda Shoshanna, author of "The Anger Diet: 30 Days to Stress-Free Living" (Andrews McMeel Publishing, $14.95), says anger has become one of the most common and lethal addictions, and one of the least recognized.

"Anger is a serious problem for one in five Americans," says Shoshanna, a psychologist and a relationship expert on ivillage.com. "Road rage, workplace violence, school shootings, domestic abuse and addiction are just a few of its many expressions. The reason such a large number of our nation's citizens are on antidepressants, suffer from alcohol and drug addiction, are overweight, in broken relationships can be directly traced back to the effects of anger."

When people are depressed, feel anxious or suffer mood disorders, they really are angry, she says. Anger also appears as apathy, hopelessness, promiscuity and passive-aggressive behavior, she adds.

Just as people diet to lose weight, they can diet to rid themselves of the anger that eats away at them, Shoshanna says.

Her book details steps for minimizing anger. She suggests, for example, writing down ways anger manifests itself in your life. This simple act begins the process of undoing anger's harmful effects, Shoshanna says.

Over time, "you will no longer be a victim of anger's subtle attacks," she says. "As you stop indulging in the various forms of anger, you will inevitably become happier, healthier, stronger, more creative, more flexible, younger and more fully alive."

Peter Favaro, author of "Anger Management: 6 Critical Steps to a Calmer Life," (New Page Books, $15.99), advises people to stop taking things so personally.

"Don't presume the world was constructed specifically to annoy you," he says. "Stop personalizing everything. That rude cashier isn't just rude to you. She is rude to everybody. If her mother couldn't teach her not to be rude by age 25, how are you going to do it in a five-minute conversation?"

Orlando Fortunato says he worked hard to remind himself not to take things personally recently when he was tempted to lose his cool on the job.

The 31-year-old youth specialist at a Redford Township boys' home took some teens to a nearby library. Soon after their arrival, some other boys became disorderly. A librarian asked all the boys, including those with Fortunato, to leave.

When Fortunato told the librarian his boys weren't being disruptive, he says the librarian threatened to call the police and have him arrested. Fortunato, who is African-American and Italian, believes it was a racially motivated act because all the boys were black.

"I was real upset," he says. "It was blatant discrimination. I understand that kids act a fool, but there were white kids in there doing the same thing. I felt like getting real ugly with the man."

But instead of turning to his old ways of responding with outward anger, Fortunato gathered the boys and left quietly. He later took action by calling the library, seeking an apology.

Favaro says the type of the approach Fortunato took was the right one. Doing otherwise, Favaro says, introduces you to "unnecessary acquaintances."

Holiday shoppers will do well to remember this at the mall, he says. That way, they'll avoid spending a lot of time with someone they'd rather not know.

Such acquaintances are made, for example, when you get into a fight with someone who swiped your parking space. You end up discussing the fight with security guards you'd ordinarily not socialize with, and then you and the other driver end up riding off in the back seat of a squad car -- more time with someone you'd rather not know.

Favaro has more holiday advice for people who tend to anger easily.

"Remember," he says, "these holidays are going to come and go. The people you don't want to see (be they holiday-crazed drivers, shoppers or cashiers), it will be another 360-some days before you'll have to see them again."

Faces of anger

Red faces, screaming, cursing and shouting, are easily recognized signs of anger. But most forms of anger are much more difficult to detect. In her book, "The Anger Diet: 30 Days to Stress-Free Living," New York psychologist Brenda Shoshanna says anger has 24 forms. Here are some of them:

Hypocrisy. You are angry, but hide it beneath a smile, presenting a false persona, pretending to be someone else. You think you are fooling others, but are losing yourself and your own self-respect.

Stealing/taking that which has not been given. You see yourself as being deprived, having less than others and deserving to have what is theirs. Instead of seeing the abundance of life, you envy others' good fortune and seek to undo it.

Lying and deception. Lying and other deceptive ways stem from anger and ill will. We fool others, harm or trick and attempt to create confusion in their lives. This is caused by lack of self respect.

Depression. Depression is anger and rage turned against oneself. It manifests as excessive sleeping, inability to concentrate, difficulty eating, subtly harming self and others, and in other ways. Depression comes from being unable to identify or appropriately express the anger you are feeling.

Withdrawal. Withdrawal, often a part of depression, arises from feeling "not good enough." We withdraw when we feel we don't belong, or feel ashamed or inadequate. Anger causes withdrawal, isolation or joining exclusive groups based on hate or rejection of others.

Passive aggression. Passive aggression is anger expressed not by what we do, but what we don't do. Passive-aggressive people know what other people want and need, but they don't do it. They upset and enrage others, making it seem like the other person is too demanding. It's a way of expressing anger, but not taking responsibility for it while blaming others for the outcome.

Hopelessness.This anger destroys the innate sense of personal power, will, commitment and ability to make a difference in the world. Unrecognized for too long, hopelessness and despair can lead to physical, mental and emotional symptoms. To heal these symptoms, it is helpful to get to the despair a person is feeling and to the anger beneath fueling the sense of impotence.

Suicide and suicidal thoughts. Suicide and suicidal thoughts arise from feelings of hopelessness and despair, and are a direct result of anger. A deep rage lies beneath the act of the thoughts of it. Suicide becomes a way to get revenge on those who have hurt us, and also to get control over one's life and body.

Burnout. As people become exhausted and depleted by jobs or relationships, it becomes difficult to experience enthusiasm, pleasure or the will to go on. A rest, break or renewal may help, but recognizing that burnout is unacknowledged anger springing from frustration and insufficient rewards will help get to the root.

Self-sabotage. When things are going too well at work or in relationships, many people sabotage themselves in subtle and unconscious ways. They stop their good from coming in, forget to take important actions required for projects and say things they do not mean. This is unintended and arises from the deeper feeling they don't deserve to succeed. They punish themselves due to anger within.

Low self--esteem. When we see self-sabotage, we also see low self-esteem. This is a lack of love, caring and respect directed against the self. The low self-esteem is the result of anger.

--Detroit News, Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Welcome To Your Peaceful Harbor

Your Peaceful harbor is an organization dedicated to finding, developing and living with peace of mind.

It is based upon the wisdom of both East and West, integrating timeless truths into our everyday lives. As we learn to open our hearts and minds to one another, to dialogue fruitfully and develop respect for all people's needs and visions, we can come together in a communion and community of inner richness, and well being.